Book Review: Codependent No More

A codependent is mostly someone who has let a loved one’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling their loved one’s behavior. In doing so, letting the behavior control both their lives.

In Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (publication date January 1986), former alcoholic, junkie, social worker, and now a beloved self-help author Melody Beattie shares her stories, some of her client’s stories to show detailed examples of codependence and how we can slowly overcome it.

What I Learned From Codependent No More

1. The only person it is my business to control is myself.
2. Having an eating disorder is as harmful to oneself and their loved ones as being an alcoholic.

On Learning to Controlling Myself Only and Not Others

In observing my parents, in-laws, maternal grandparents, and maternal relatives micromanaging their spouses’ behaviors, I thought micromanaging my spouse was a part of being married. It was only after therapy and reading self-help books that I learned micromanaging is common in unhealthy relationships. In trying to micromanage Mark’s life, I transformed the previously fun and loving relationship we had into one that would be filled with resentment and blame.

Many people in my life told me that it was a wife’s responsibility to look after her husband. They subscribed to the belief that behind a strong man stands an even stronger woman. I never thought to ask them, “If the woman was so strong why did she need to stand behind the man instead of in front or by his side?”

Another question I wished I asked was, “Why was I taking advice from people who were in relationships where they desired greatly to fix their spouse, who frequently say they regret marrying their spouse, and who mostly failed in trying to manage their spouses’ life?”

From Codependent No More, I learned that my loved ones will ultimately do what they want to do and they will change only when they are ready to change. Whatever actions or behaviors of my loved ones that I’m trying to control will eventually take over my life instead. The only thing I can do is establish boundaries and stand my ground.

Additionally, I learned that managing and controlling others is a great misuse of my limited time and energy. A better use? Identifying and solving my own problems.

Taking care of myself is a big job. No wonder I avoided it for so long. -ANONYMOUS

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

Realizing My Eating Disorder is a Big Problem I Need to Face

After reading Codependent No More, I’m inclined to agree with Melody in that most of the people who are codependent are struggling with a problem of their own that they feel powerless over. In telling themselves that their partner’s problem is more urgent, the codependent then can avoid admitting or trying to solve their own problem first.

I used to be one of them. I refused to admit I had a binge eating disorder combined with non-purging bulimia from ages 15 to 39. I felt outraged whenever Mark suggested I may have an eating disorder.

Until one day, a simple question shattered my illusion.

Does the thought of gaining 5 lbs terrify you?

It terrified me throughout my teens, college, twenties, thirties, and it terrifies me still.

Especially after understanding that having an eating disorder is as serious as being an alcoholic. Melody’s constantly emphasizing it throughout the book shattered the illusion that my eating disorder was a minor matter.

It not only takes up much of my mental energy to stop myself from eating and it is also likely the cause of the gastrointestinal issues that have plagued me for decades. Additionally, it negatively impacts the mental and physical health of my loved ones in that I may be affecting their relationship with food.

This is why for 2022, managing my eating disorder is my primary goal. I refuse to let it continue dominating my life. I greatly desire to free up all that mental energy by channeling it into creative writing.

Thank you Melody for writing the book. And thank you Glennon Doyle for recommending it on your We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Ep 86 featuring Jen Hatmaker: What We Win When We Lose It All. Initially, I wasn’t going to read it because I was afraid that a book written about codependence in 1986 would not be relevant today. It is very much relevant and important for people who desire independence to read it.